Why we should make love at work

By Kerryn Vaughan

18th January 2024

I have just come back from a trip to Cambodia, where I was blessed to run an abridged version of my Confident Leaders Program with the charity, ‘Heartprint’. 

5 sessions of full-on immersion and dang it was SO hot over there!

The thing that struck me the most was how good this organisation was regarding psychological safety. They were sitting at a 3.5 out of 4 (the 0.5 meaning sometimes they challenged), so I suggested they push the boundaries and make it a 4.

Here are the 4 stages I'm talking about (as described in Timothy Clark's book 'The 4 Stages of Psychological Safety’) :

1 - Inclusion (I feel welcomed and accepted)

2 - Learner safety (I feel comfortable to ask questions and make mistakes to help me learn)

3 - Contributor safety (I feel safe to demonstrate my expertise and have freedom to work autonomously)

4 - Challenger safety (I feel safe to pitch new ideas, disagree, and challenge the status quo)

I proposed that reaching the full 4 was something they could work on over time, but it actually happened in the moment and over the following couple of days. Everybody started suggesting new ideas and challenging existing systems etc. All with zero fear and full confidence. They were truly surprised to learn that this is not the norm in most organisations.

I've been pondering this a lot and while I haven't yet come to a solid conclusion (and I may never), I'm leaning toward the dominant contributing factor being that they bring their hearts and love into the workplace. They genuinely deeply care for one another, and deliberately find ways to create more ‘love’ opportunities at work. 

Now I'm not saying that all of Cambodia is like that, it's not. 

BUT, Heartprint has put the time into growing a kind, compassionate, growth mindset culture, and the rewards are obvious and massive.

I truly believe that if we all intentionally bring more moments of kindness, warmth, compassion and love into our day and into our workplace, the personal and professional benefits will be astounding. Not to mention the positive impact on our health.

I hope you join me in creating a kinder world through teeny tiny daily moments.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a Leadership facilitator, as well as an accredited DISC ADVANCED® consultant, and a Certified WORKING GENIUS facilitator.

Kindness begins with you

By Kerryn Vaughan

2nd March 2023

Today is National Be Kind Day, and while I’ve been ‘head down, bum up’ most of the day, I have had constant fleeting thoughts of a few things that have transpired lately.

I’m a big proponent of kindness and give it freely and regularly, but I always get a bit tangled when I’m not perfect. Of course I know that none of us are perfect, but it always challenges me when I act in a contrary manner to what I espouse.

When we think of kindness we generally think of doing something nice for another, and the more random the better. But there’s one type of kindness that often gets pushed to the back - self kindness.

It’s as though we view self kindness as a selfish thing, and that we are only deserving of it after we have done enough good deeds to warrant it. Like filling up a bucket of good deeds, and once it’s full, we’re allowed to take some for ourselves.

When you really reflect on this perspective, it’s actually back to front. If we are kind to ourselves first then we will have more to give out.

So my challenge this week was aggressively ranting about somebody who has a long list of very selfish and sneaky behaviours that undermine and harm others. Behaviours that are solely focused on personal gain, at the detriment of the bigger picture and the greater good.

But more than throwing the venom at him personally, I was hissing at the defence of those he is hurting. Regardless, I felt like less of a person for doing this.

We have been told over and over, and Thumper lovingly reinforced it in the movie ‘Bambi’, “If you can’t say nothin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all”. But we are rarely told over and over to stand up for what is right and to speak our truth. I think the first narrative causes more harm than good, and causes apathy and suppression of good voices. I can’t abide by that.

So, is calling out despicable behaviour unkind, because you’re saying ‘not so nice’ things about that person? Or is it kindness, because you’re defending those who deserve to be defended?

I say the latter, but I may well be wrong. I’ll live with that. I’ve reached a point today where I’ve decided that beating myself up for speaking out is not kindness to me.

I will spend the rest of today, and hopefully longer, indulging in self kindness, because my intentions and care for the bigger picture are more important than whether or not I offended a small number of people unwilling to be honest about poor behaviour.

Have you been beating yourself up lately over something similar?

Is today the day you can declare that being kind to yourself comes first in order to be kind to the rest of the world?

On National Be Kind Day, please fill your cup first.

Kerryn xx

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also an accredited DISC ADVANCED® consultant, and a Certified WORKING GENIUS facilitator.

That’s goin’ straight to the pool room!

By Kerryn Vaughan

2nd April 2022

I’ve written before about success and how we most often associate the word success with money. But success comes in all shapes and sizes and is actually determined by what we as individuals value the most.

For me, that’s experiences that money can’t buy.

If you’re at all familiar with the 1997 iconic Australian movie ‘The Castle’, you’ll recall that whenever Darryl Kerrigan received something he considered to be pretty amazing or unique, like a German beer stein, he’d proudly say “That’s goin’ straight to the pool room!”.

And we all knew what he meant - this is so valuable it deserves pride of place.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the experiences I’ve been lucky enough to have, and this was triggered by Captain Australia.

Simon Harvey (aka Captain Australia) walked from Brisbane to Melbourne to raise awareness for kids with cancer, and specifically to raise funds for the Kids Cancer Project. But there were other important aspects to his walk. He had personally overcome stage 4 cancer of the neck and face, but not without a terrible struggle with depression caused by compounding health issues that made him feel completely broken.

So he also walked to heal a broken man, and succeeded. The third aspect was to leave a legacy for his kids just in case the cancer came back.

I sent Simon a message when he was at the NSW/VIC border and offered to shout him dinner and a room when he got to Sale. This was the first moment I thought “You just can’t buy these experiences!”. I then thought about the pool room. This was indeed a pool room moment.

As it turned out, somebody else ended up getting him a room and taking him out for dinner. I got dumped at the last minute, but I’m ok with that, because that gifted another person a pool room moment.

Not all was lost. I saw his Facebook live and noted he was in the town only 10 minutes from me and was about to head into Sale. I jumped in my car and caught him on the side of the road and grabbed him for a quick interview.

As we sat drenched in my car making a 15 minute video (that lasted an hour), it really hit home that we don’t get these moments by wishing and hoping. We have to take action.

By the way, Simon will be on the podcast soon so stay tuned!

Then I interviewed Dr John Demartini for my Get Off The Bench podcast. I have admired John’s work for over 15 years, and put him on a pedestal which, by the way, he tells people not to do. But here I was chatting with him like we were long time friends. When you are truly in conversation with somebody and the energy is sitting in love, there are no status levels or feelings of inferiority, just genuine connection. That is beautiful.

Tonight I’m reflecting on other experiences like:

• Being on a zoom with the Dalai Lama

• Helping youth kickstart climate change projects in 92 countries

• Meeting a real life gangster who was a prisoner in Alcatraz

• Sitting where royalty sat at the very first Olympics in Greece

• Singing at the Hilton Hawai’ian

• Sharing hot chips with Alan Sandow, the drummer from Sherbet

• Enjoying a deep and meaningful conversation with Art Alexakis, the singer from Everclear

• Swimming with Hawai’ian sea turtles

• Hanging with Suzie Quatro

• Meeting Wayne Dyer

• Lying in bed in Yosemite National Park listening to a bear trying to break into the cabin

• Seeing the Grand Canyon white with snow

• Being told by songwriter Jason Blume (who has written hits for Brittney Spears and Backstreet Boys) that he could listen to me sing the phone book and still love every minute of it

• Having my song ‘Broken’ used by a plethora of animal rights groups around the world

• Singing several times with the legendary Frankie J Holden

• Being told over and over that me just showing up has changed somebody’s life

• Connecting clean water to villages and schools in Uganda

• Waking up to the first snowfall of the season in Canada

These are just the handful of things I can remember right in this moment, but as I think further there will be hundreds of things, especially music career moments.

I suppose I could also include the not so good things like being kidnapped, shot at, having machine guns waved around my face, and somehow talking my way out of being mugged on several occasions, but I think I’ll stick to good things as pool room moments!!

So I’ve decided to create a ‘pool room moments’ journal, and to start adding to it every time something happens that money just can’t buy.

We are blessed daily with magical pool room moments, if only we choose to notice. 

How will you capture yours?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Developing leadership though community connections

By Kerryn Vaughan

1st March 2022

This week I attended a special night for an esteemed leadership program very close to my heart.

As the 2021 cohort graduated, the 2022 cohort commenced. Average, everyday people who believe they can make a difference in their community and who are courageous enough to step up to the plate even though they’ve heard it can be a challenging year. That’s leadership right there, before they’ve even begun the program.

I sat perched forward in my chair, excited as each new participant was called to the front, none of them wanting to make a scene or power themselves to the front of the crowd. But they will change, and grow, and they will become vocal leaders. They will place themselves in positions to speak up even when they are shaking in their boots.

How do I know this? Because that’s what happens every year, and that is the incredible and invaluable power of a great leadership program.

It was also the night where last year’s participants bid farewell, but not before proudly presenting the community projects they completed.

• An incredible garden and landscaped area for survivors of family violence.

• An online platform for donors to give so people experiencing homelessness can obtain phone credit to stay connected to people and services.

• A coffee table book sharing the stories of those severely impacted by the recent bushfires.

• An online event to celebrate diversity in the community as well as raise awareness and provide strategies to engage and include those who might otherwise feel excluded or overlooked.

• A review of the accessibility of the Leadership Program, and how more people with disabilities could be included.

While my descriptions of these projects is only a brief overview, the complexity and level of work and commitment to achieve these projects deserves a lot more than my few words.

While I am bestowed the honour of helping the groups brainstorm project ideas and Get Off The Bench, I am only one of many. The entire year is jam-packed with incredible facilitators who bring everything they’ve got to make this a success. Not to mention the tireless commitment of the program director and his amazing wing woman.

Also, to know that hundreds of people are going to reap the benefits of these projects makes my heart sing like nothing I can describe.

Serving others brings so much joy, and escalates leadership skills in an instant.

Two years ago I had my Community Connect program ready to go but shelved it because of Covid. Was that the right decision? I’ll never know. But what I do know is that it’s back with full gusto and is available to any organisation who is ready to create and build community connections through projects, while simultaneously providing an opportunity for aspiring leaders to put their hand up and say ‘Yes, I want to make a difference’.

If you belong to an organisation that’s looking to step up and be a leader in this space, connect with me. 

It’s not a myth that valued staff bring value!

Do what you love, back yourself, and above all else - be kind!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Hitting a Century!

By Kerryn Vaughan

18th February 2022

Well, I did it! I have actually released 100 shows on my podcast ‘Get Off The Bench’, and I’m really proud of myself.

It’s funny how we keep plodding along and chipping away at something and we have our head so buried in it that we don’t even notice when we’re nearing a milestone. That’s exactly what happened to me. 

I love the work I do so much, that the immersion is like being transported to another dimension where the hustle and grind of every day life doesn’t seem to be able to penetrate our bubble. And I’ve long pondered the whole immersion thing.

Many years ago I was asked how I just keep going, kind of like an energiser bunny, and often on very little sleep. To be honest, I used to wear that as a badge of honour!

Nowadays I’ve come to realise just how important sleep actually is, and that charging though life without it is asking for disaster - physically, mentally and emotionally. But some of us with go go go personalities take a little longer to learn these things!

But immersion has been the main ingredient, and the space it holds is incredible. It’s when you are so into something and energised by it that you don’t notice time passing. And then you have to go to bed!!

Recording podcast episodes is incredibly immersing. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be completely and wholeheartedly invested in a raw conversation about somebody’s story. And I don’t call it luck. It really is about designing the life you want.

So this week, as I realised on Tuesday that I would be at episode 100 on Friday, I had a bit of a ‘stuck’ moment as I pondered how that show might look. Then a friend suggested I get somebody to interview me. But who? Somebody who knows me well and can pull out all the juicy info, or somebody who barely knows me and who can ask questions from a place of genuine intrigue?

I’m going to be honest, I got a little overwhelmed wondering how I could achieve that in 24hrs, and eventually froze. By Wednesday night I still hadn’t made any headway, because I was avoiding it, but I knew I had to record something that night.

So I gathered questions I had received from listeners over time, and decided to interview myself. How cool is that?? And I went deep!

My point here is that we can fuddle fart around as much as we like, but ultimately we’re just putting off the inevitable. Further, there is always a way to achieve something, but sometimes we just have to look to the side or behind, rather than straight ahead.

So there were questions like:

How did you get to doing Get Off The Bench?

What else are you working on?

How do you keep putting it out there, not knowing who is listening, if anybody?

You seem extremely resilient - why?

All wonderful questions!

And then I cracked open a little box of cards I received in the mail earlier in the day, and randomly answered some of those. One of them made my hairs stand on end and metaphorically my mirror cracked!

What conversation do you need to have to set yourself free? - OUCH!!

Despite the ouch, I answered honestly. I need to have a conversation with myself about feeling good enough. And I’m not the only person who needs to have this conversation. I think the vast majority of us feel this way and I think that’s so sad.

We come into the world absolutely magnificent, but by the time we’ve racked up a few short years, we’re already questioning our worth. Life shouldn’t be like that. Imagine if we all lived in our full magnificence like we’re supposed to. Wow!

So this 100th episode is jam-packed with thoughts and reflections, and while it’s an everyday job to ascend and get thrown off that mountain of ‘good enough’, I’m still bloody proud of myself for resiliently continuing attempts to conquer it.

To you I say this… Please keep trying. Please get back up. Please share your magnificence with the world even if it’s still messy.

And if you want to immerse in a space where there’s honesty, vulnerability and love, listen to that episode here, and gift yourself an hour to feel the OK’ness of being exactly where you are right now.

Much love to you xx

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Are Tiki’s good luck?

By Kerryn Vaughan

2nd Feb 2022

I remember reading many yeas ago that tiki’s were good luck and so I believed it. But then I watched the Brady Bunch episode when they went to Hawai’i and one of the boys found a tiki and it brought endless bad luck to the family. So I dropped the idea of having an opinion on it.

Today I had to bid my 17 year old cat farewell as he passed over the rainbow bridge. His name was Tiki. Maybe today was bad luck for him, but I’m going to focus on the positive. He brought me 17 years of happiness and believe me, he also had a very blessed life. He certainly had 17 years of extreme luck!

When I arrived home from the vet I realised that the date is 2/2/22. Those who are into numerology will know that there’s incredible power in that number group. So maybe he’ll bring extra good luck from above.

For anybody wondering, he is going in the massive pot with his mother and sister who left us together 5 years ago, and that amazing pot is blessed with a beautiful rose called ‘Mother’s Love’.

But saying goodbye to Tiki hasn’t been the only hard thing over the past two days. Yesterday was the 1st February, reminding me that 19 years ago to the day, my younger sister also left us after a 5 year battle with cancer.

My dad has also been in hospital in the past week and they are unsure what was wrong with him, and he told me today that it was the sickest he has ever been in his life. He has not been in a good way.

And today my Mum got a call from a specialist giving her some bad news about her back, and if nothing can be done to relieve the problem she may soon become wheelchair bound.

So it’s fair to say I’ve had a pretty rough 48 hours trying to take in all this news and deal with an avalanche of emotions.

But, life is what it is, and living, illness, wellness and dying are all part of the cycle. And frankly, none of us are getting out of here alive!

Which brings me to the point of this article - life’s too short! So get the hell off that bench and do that thing you’ve been putting off for way too long. Hire the kombi or learn to play guitar. Whatever that thing is, do it!

Stop telling yourself that you’re not good enough, or smart enough, or young enough, or qualified enough, or that you don’t have enough money or enough time. 

Don’t wait for the kids to finish school or for the mortgage to be paid, or anything else. Just start! 

In last week’s blog I talked about the fact that you don’t have to drop everything. Just start with one tiny step.

We don’t know what’s around the corner, and while we should never dwell on that and pickle ourselves in pessimism, we have to be honest with ourselves and not hide under a rock believing we have forever to do that thing that is likely to bring a tonne of joy.

So find something that resembles a lucky charm, even if it is a tiki, figure out the first step and go for it. Life isn’t waiting for anybody to catch up.

Get on the wave that is your life and ride it hard! You’re worth it!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

When should you start?

By Kerryn Vaughan

27th January 2022

Well, there’s a short answer and a long answer.

The short answer is - now.

The long answer is - now, because life’s too short.

So as you can see, the right time to start is NOW.

I can’t tell you how many people I chat with or work with who ask the same question - ‘when should I start?’.

The problem is, most people wait for others to give them permission but that’s not how life works. You have to give yourself permission and you have to be prepared to do consistent work.

The other thing that holds people back is a fear that if they begin their project, goal, idea etc, then they have to give up everything else. Not true.

Don’t get me wrong, some people do give up their security and dive in head first and go hard. For them this works, but it’s not for everybody. For most, this isn’t the best option. And it’s never OK to compare yourself with the next person and say ‘I should be doing that’.

I wrote a good blog about comparisons last week!

But we shouldn’t give up either.

Too often we look at our long list of responsibilities - mortgage, car repayments, food, utilities, school costs, fuel - and take a giant defeated sigh. ‘How can I possibly create the dream I want when I have all this hanging over my head?’. Yep, I get it.

So I want to encourage you to do it the safe way. Start now but start small.

If you want to be a writer for a world class magazine but can’t throw yourself all in - start a blog and put up one article a week and build slowly from there.

If you want to start a book keeping business but can’t leave the job you have, find just one client.

If you want to start a coaching business, start with just one person.

I can’t stress enough the power of one.

If you look at these examples and still find excuses not to start, then maybe it’s not about the time or the money. Maybe it’s about fear and self-doubt. I work with a lot of people and these two things trump everything else. 

I’ve heard so many reasons why a person can’t start now, but once we unpack it, self-doubt and fear are right there under the surface clinging on like horrid leeches!

You can only beat self-doubt by taking action and proving to yourself that you CAN, and you can only beat fear the same way. Everything is about action, but you have to start.

Your steps can be so tiny that they barely make a dent, but momentum starts simply because these tiny steps actually exist.

So I’ll say it again - life’s too damn short! We only get one crack at it in this body, so go for it. 

Start small but start now.

In one year will you wish you did, or be glad you did?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Are you comparing yourself to others?

By Kerryn Vaughan

20th January 2022

“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms”

I’m unsure of the original author of this quote, but it’s so true!

Without going down the whole rabbit hole of the flaws of the education system, the truth is it sets us up from such a young age to compete with others.

The whole system is about levels and scores.

While I have noticed recently that more and more parents (and teachers) are telling kids not to worry about their results as much as striving just to be happy, competing still does exist, particularly if you want to establish a professional career.

And I think it sucks!

I am going to pause right here and give a shout out to the incredible teachers out there who are working so hard with what they have to really have an impact and ignite authentic fires in kids souls. I take my hat off to you amazing humans, because it really is so much easier to just go with the flow even if you don’t agree - providing you can ignore your own moral compass. 

Thankfully these amazing teachers can’t ignore their moral compass, and sometimes it takes superhuman effort to keep your own spirit ignited when there is so much suppression of individuality around you.

These great teachers know that there are so many brilliant minds out there who think and learn in a different way to the outdated industrialised systems, that their brilliance is overlooked, and in most cases they have no choice but to conform to fit into a box that more often than not makes them unhappy.

And this is further perpetuated in a multitude of workplaces.

No doubt you’ve seen the above meme which has emerged as a visual for the Albert Einstein (not confirmed it was actually him) quote that says “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”.

I rest my case!

And we carry this scoring system well into our adult lives, constantly comparing, competing and measuring ourselves against others, most often with those who don’t even have similar qualities, strengths and talents as our own.

Why?

Because it has become so deeply entrenched in our psyche that either we don’t even know we’re doing it, and if we do know and don’t like that we are doing it, we can’t work out how to move beyond it.

But humour me for a moment, and ask yourself…

Is the doctor a better human than the hospital cleaner?

Is the high level executive any better than the receptionist?

Is the person who owns a mansion better than the homeless?

And the waitress who still smiles as she politely and patiently tolerates the rudeness of the uppity who think they are better than her. How can we possibly think she is less?

The truth is that nobody is better than the next person, and we are all born with magnificently unique gifts and talents, and no other person in the world possesses the exact same combination as us.

Surely that’s reason enough to stop the comparisons?

When we compare ourselves to others, we either feel terrible because we think we don’t measure up, or on the flip side, if we are believing ourselves to be better than the person we’re comparing ourselves to, then we are allowing ourselves to be exactly the type of person we are complaining about falling short to.

This is insanity!!!

Why would we want to make ourselves feel like crap by thinking somebody is better than us, and if we see ourselves as the better person, why do we feel so inadequate that we would want to belittle somebody else?

The solution?

Be the flower that blooms!

Stay in your own lane and focus on being the best version of you.

Forget the outdated system that taught us to compete, and be proud to stand strongly in the space that shines the stage light on your unique magnificence.

Somebody in the world needs you to shine. They need to see you being the beacon of light that will guide them through a rough patch.

Just be you, because everybody else is taken.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

The Success Conundrum

By Kerryn Vaughan

12th January 2022

What is success? 

This is a loaded question and I don’t think there is a perfect, or agreeable answer.

Some people think success is money. As the host of the Get Off The Bench podcast, I am often approached by ‘successful’ people who brag about making 6 figures and try to convince me that my audience would love to hear their formula, which is often a well disguised sales funnel designed to draw hopeful people into debt and never actually find their 6 figures. 

I get cranky with these people. Firstly, my listeners care more about inspiration, and second, a lot of these ‘6 figure’ people (not all), are making money by taking money!

Personally, I think success is when you’re happy and feel good about yourself. That’s enough, and nobody should be shamed for that.

I googled a few definitions of success and here’s what I found…

Cambridge dictionary - ‘the achieving of the results wanted or hoped for’

Collins dictionary - ‘the achievement of something that you have been trying to do’

Merriam-Webster dictionary - ‘the fact of getting, or achieving wealth, respect or fame’ and ‘the correct or desired result of an attempt’

So other than the bit about wealth, respect and fame (which isn’t helpful), they’re all basically saying that if you don’t achieve what you set out to do then you haven’t succeeded.

The Google definition from Oxford Languages agrees - ‘the accomplishment of a goal or purpose’

But what if we don’t achieve or accomplish the thing we’ve been trying to do?

The Google definition from Oxford Languages goes on to give an example of using success in a sentence. Here’s the sentence:

‘There is a thin line between success and failure’

Herein lies the next part of the conundrum. We have juxtaposed the word ‘success’ with the word ‘failure’, so every time we don’t reach our target, goal, aim, objective, or purpose, we believe we have failed.

What if success could mean that you gave it a go?

What if the thing you were trying to achieve was just to have a crack?

Every entrepreneur knows that you have to keep trying things over and over until you get the right formula. But good entrepreneurs don’t see themselves as failures. They see themselves as having succeeded in yet another learning opportunity.

Further, what if we could replace the word failure with feedback. Even better, we could completely remove the negative narrative that comes with the word failure. How many people give up way too soon, simply because they feel like a failure?

On that point, the word failure should never be assigned to a person, only to an action.

And the only people who can even claim to have had a failure anyway, are the ones who had the courage to give something a go. Doesn’t that make them successful?

Words are funny things, and because of the rigid definitions and the outdated and unhelpful perceptions we place on certain words, we can feel like crap about ourselves, when in fact, we should be feeling great about ourselves.

We need to take chances and give things a go. If we don’t achieve what we set out to do, that doesn’t mean we didn’t succeed. It means we’ve had the courage to put ourselves out there.

The next time you, or somebody you know, finds the courage to attempt something, give a cheer and a high five, and think (and say) “You bloody ripper!”.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Bullfrogs don't sleep

By Kerryn Vaughan

5th January 2022

Well, here we are after wishing farewell to 2021. It really was a year of keeping us up at night. Many people left their jobs as they realised the 9-5 wasn’t feeding their soul, yet still so many are procrastinating and pondering ‘What is it I really want to do?’. 

The truth is, we all intuitively know that answer, but our good old mate ‘self-doubt’ sits comfortably on our shoulder relentlessly whispering safety’s in our ear.

So what’s that thing that badgers the hell out of you and keeps you up at night?

That thing that asks you ‘What if…?’ ‘How can I…?’ Why can’t I…?’

My ‘keep me up at night’ is: 

‘What causes people to stay stagnant and not back themselves?’ 

‘Why do they feel like they don’t deserve to live a life of their own design?’

And then there’s the questioning of my own messaging:

‘What am I not saying, or how can I say it better?’ - in my obsession to get people to see that the often seemingly impossible is actually possible. 

I hit the pillow hard at night and I’m very quickly off with the fairies, but once Tinkerbell calls in the early hours of the morning for some bladder relief, that’s it!! My mind is like a very well stoked steam train!

Bullfrogs biologically don’t need sleep, apparently. Whoever figured that out must have had a grand old time relaxing by the lily pond!

But sleep for humans is so important! So many people have told me lately how exhausted they are, even after the break. I think some of this exhaustion is the dregs of 2021, but also the energy it takes to just prepare yourself to go back to work you don’t love. That feeling of having no choice.

We all do have a choice, but when the mortgage and ever increasing living expenses are crushing down upon us, we don’t feel like we do.

This year I’ve made the choice to spend way more time with those I love, and accept that I can’t be ‘on’ 24/7. I too have been working from home and have often fallen for the trap of not having the discipline to differentiate the office from the rest of the house.

Ducking in to send that one last email, just checking messages, typing the suddenly thought of whiz bang statement for the upcoming book or future blog, or just ‘quickly’ uploading that Youtube video. But I don’t want that this year.

I want doggy dates, and partner dates, and to see my family, and to walk along the river, and relax in the hammock, and pat the donkeys.

I’m focusing on the word ‘energy’, and trying to be more mindful about where I put my energy.

Life’s too short!

So back to you…

What keeps you up at night?

Where are you going to put your energy in 2022?

Happy New Year!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

A big sigh to release 2021

By Kerryn Vaughan

22nd December 2021

I don’t know about you, but so many people I’ve worked with this year have told me that for the entire year (and 2020) they have felt like they’ve been holding their breath. Me too! On so many occasions I’ve literally noticed that I can’t even feel my lungs expanding. 

Thankfully we have a sighing reflex that kicks in to keep us alive. Did you know we sigh every 5 minutes? Neither did I until I read this great article from Science Alert. 

As the article states, we have been raised to consider sighing rude so we feel a little awkward when we do it. But maybe we should do it even more. Perhaps not in front of people when they’re talking to us, but to intentionally make the space for sighing.

In all honesty, 2021 hasn’t been easy and often it has felt like a totally trashed party that still went ahead even though nobody turned up. But living in constant annoyance with it doesn’t do us any good either. In fact it’s doing us more harm than we can imagine, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I’m not a medical expert and nor do I wish to be, but I reckon the best end of year gift we can give ourselves is a few good days of massive sighs to release the year that was. Accept it for what it was, accept that next year will be what it will be, and give yourself a break.

So as we transition into 2022, plan to rewrite your story despite how the environment around you unfolds. Take back your power, let this year go with some bloody big sighs, and leap into next year with love in your heart and gusto in your stride.

I look forward to joining you there!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Be a consistent tortoise

By Kerryn Vaughan

14th Dec 2021

No doubt you know the fable of the tortoise and the hare, but here’s a reminder, wrapped up succinctly…

One day the hare challenged the tortoise to a race. The hare made fun of the tortoise’s apparent weakness, which was for being so slow, and boasted with pride and arrogance that he would beat the tortoise to the finish line. 

Half way into the race, the hare thought he was so far ahead of the tortoise that he stopped to eat and sleep. But he overslept, leaving time for the slow and steady tortoise to pass him and make it over the finish line well before the hare. 

The tortoise was unwavering and focused on his goal, and accepted it would be a slow and steady journey, but he had faith that he would inevitably get there.

It turns out that the tortoise’s greatest weakness was also his greatest strength.

All my life I have pondered the whole tortoise and the hare fable, more often than not, seeing myself as the hare. I have had a tendency to dart here and dart there and move on quickly when things bored me.

However, over the past couple of years I’ve done a back flip on this and it hasn’t been an easy transition. It pained me to see how much time I wasted and how many things I didn’t end up completing because of this hare-like practice.

Always the great starter, but not always the great finisher.

By the way, I still default to the hare and it takes some effort to swing me back to the path of the tortoise!

When we act like the hare we burn out. We also burn bridges, and that in itself can lead to disaster.

The tortoise on the other hand gets things done. She completes things then moves onto the next thing with steadiness and the confidence that all will get done in good time.

The key word here is consistency.

Delivering consistent positive actions over time helps us build habits that will carry us through with less stress and better results.

Consistency builds trust and reliability.

Consistency also builds resilience, and we could all do with a little more of that right now.

So be like the tortoise. Commit to small daily positive actions that build the habits that will lead you to successful outcomes.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Everything is an inside job

By Kerryn Vaughan

9th September 2021

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had so much input these past 18 months that I can barely process another thought or opinion coming at me.

I decided that if I was going to be in lockdown for an expended period, then I might as well take the opportunity to learn and grow. I then got the bug! I love learning at the best of times but I think some kind of addiction started controlling me. I consumed anything I could get my hands on.

And then something happened. It all blew up in my face! I was burnt out and felt like the information coming my way suddenly turned into arrows all aiming at me at once.

My reaction was to take cover and never resurface! I rejected everything for several weeks and started noticing a big shift within me. Information and understandings I had been seeking, started floating to the surface. The ‘aha’ moments were profound and just what I needed to take the next steps.

I started reflecting on how we are incorrectly taught to believe that we should seek answers about ourselves from others. Yes, I know we have blind spots and sometimes an outside perspective can give us the nudge we need toward out growth, but what I’m really talking about here is making decisions about personal and impactful things.

We believe that others have some magic wand or crystal ball that can determine our path, and that should we pay attention to the learned we can get ourselves on the recommended path and discover our pot of gold.

Stop everything!!!

Maybe you’re hearing about where they found THEIR pot of gold. We are all so different and not all prophets will be presenting YOUR gold.

So where is our gold and how should we find it?

Well, it really is an inside job. We have to sit still enough and quiet enough to hear our inner voice because it always knows. Here’s a quick test…

Close your eyes and think about that thing you’ve always wanted to do. Now, ask yourself why you haven’t done it. 

Bam! There’s the answer right there. You heard it intuitively, but within 2-3 seconds you starting rationalising and had well organised and highly detailed justification list. This is where we start the journey down the self-doubt tunnel. What a waste!

We have to take notice of that split second message, accept it as the truth, and then have the courage to start asking ourselves the hard questions as to why we’re choosing to ignore it. We really need to unpack that message until we accept it as our truth.

We all know the answers already. We have to trust ourselves and stop feeding our limiting beliefs.

Save yourself so much time, energy and torment, and become friends with your inner guidance.

As I said, everything is an inside job!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

We can't be everything to everyone!

By Kerryn Vaughan

7th April 2021

Typically, we have 4 days off over Easter. Some will celebrate their faith and whatever it is that Easter represents in that realm. Others will focus on the Easter Bunny fairytale. Others will have nothing to do with it, and some oppose it.

Nobody is right or wrong - it just is what it is to each of us personally.

For me, the few days off is a chance to down tools and take the time to breathe. 

But I went into the Easter break practically holding my breath as I was feeling like I was being pulled in multiple directions.

I became annoyed because all I wanted to do was spend time with those I love, and I felt there was just too much outstanding that was tearing me away from them.

My partner of course empathised with my predicament and asked the simple but profound question ‘what of all that stuff absolutely HAS to be done?’.

This halted me in my tracks.

The truth? Very little of it HAD to be done in the next few days. A lot of it was just me trying to be super responsive and not wanting to appear lazy or inconsiderate.

I also needed to say NO to a few things; something I often struggle with although I am getting better at it.

But why was this question so profound?

Because it made me surrender to the fact that you can’t be everything to everyone.

Sometimes you just have to let things go and focus on the things that are helping you move in the right direction.

I often ask myself the question - ‘Is it ON the way or IN the way?’

However, it seems I’d forgotten to do that too recently.

Perhaps we have a nutty switch inside of us that triggers whenever our routines are derailed, like these customary holidays.

Perhaps we need to learn to breath and make our own happiness a priority.

Perhaps we just need to say NO.

Here’s to only being some things to some people -  the right people!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

How to feel alignment with your truth

By Kerryn Vaughan

26th March 2021

We spend a lot of years questioning what our path is in this life. Some might call it their purpose. Personally I like to call it my truth.

Most of us know there’s something much bigger at play than just our body filled with bones and juices. We intuitively know it. 

Sometimes there are unexplained occurrences, sometimes we get a feeling in our gut, and sometimes we just don’t feel right. We know in these moments that we should pay attention but we rarely do.

And fair enough! Because how do we know what’s causing this feeling?

Is it a real threat?

Is it my belief system telling me something that isn’t true?

Is it that part of my brain trying to keep me safe?

Is it something I’ve inherited from those around me?

Am I just scared and trying to justify it?

And if it’s an amazingly positive thing, we start to question if we’re just trying to make it something it isn’t.

Even worse, we downplay amazing things because we find it necessary to believe that inevitably something bad will happen to undo it - so let’s not get too happy!

But if we start to pay close attention to how we feel, we can actually determine whether we’re moving closer to alignment, or whether we’re straying a long way off track.

Why is this important? Because we all want our life to have meaning. We want to know that our life matters, and every single one of us deserves to feel the joy of bringing our unique set of gifts to the world.

We all know the difference between feeling good and feeling bad. So that’s easy. 

In essence, if we feel bad we are in conflict with our truth, and if we feel great we are in the flow of our truth.

Seems simple.

But what about those feelings that are hard to determine or distinguish?

The fear that arises when we’re about to give a speech, or do something new that scares the pants off us? Is this just excitement or am I being guided not to do it?

Consider for a moment that we are all energy. We vibrate at certain frequencies when we feel different things. For example, peace, joy and love have super high frequencies, and apathy, guilt and shame have very low frequencies.

So we can literally feel it in our bodies when we are vibrating fast or slow.

All day, every day, we are making decisions that are sending us in the direction of either hotter or colder.

When we are in alignment with our truth, we vibrate at a high frequency. We can barely even feel our body and it feels really light. We might even feel light headed if sudden exciting news is delivered. 

If this news or event is out of our comfort zone, we might look for excuses as to why we shouldn’t do it, but in the high vibration state, we won’t be able to find any.

We have high energy and enthusiasm, as well as having a feeling of acceptance and calm. Things take less effort, and we are highly engaged.

However, when we are moving further away from our truth, we vibrate at a low frequency. Our body feels heavy and we are very aware of pains and ailments. Our head feels heavy, and we justify our actions or avoidance with past-used and familiar excuses.

We’re lethargic, frustrated and lack motivation to even do things we enjoy. We use negative narratives and blame others for our situation. We become disengaged.

These are two very different states and easy to identify once you start practising feeling the vibration.

So start paying close attention to how you feel, and continually ask yourself ‘am I getting hotter or colder?’, and keep adjusting your calibrations to more often move closer to your hotter.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

All we need is love

By Kerryn Vaughan

18th March 2021

Have you ever had a conversation with somebody and been compelled to say ‘I love you’, even though you knew it was unprofessional?

I have that urge almost every day, and often I do it.

So many people, especially on LinkedIn, show their strong, serious, professional side and believe that’s how you show confidence and competence. I strongly disagree. And yes, I will post this on LinkedIn, and yes, I know it will offend some people.

Where did we learn to be hard nosed and come to believe that the serious non-smile equates to competence? And why didn’t we learn that warmth and vulnerability earns far more trust and respect?

We have lost sight of the fact that humans with feelings and emotions and loved ones and lives lived, are our greatest asset and our greatest allies.

This saddens me.

At the end of our lives, our smart suit, professionally bound proposal, and results and metrics won’t be the measure of us. How we built relationships, showed compassion, and supported each other to have a life focused on wellbeing is what will matter. 

And the end is unavoidable - we are all heading in the same direction whether we like it or not!

Today I chatted with Danielle McAlpine Johnson as I interviewed her for my podcast. We shared tears for the lives that have been torn apart in East Gippsland, and we openly shared a mutual love and respect for each other because we each care so deeply for kindness and a better world.

This doesn’t make us unprofessional or weak. This makes us strong and compassionate and invested in the lives around us. We cheer for others and celebrate when they have wins. This is what the world needs more of.

Tonight as I write this, my heart is breaking. Tomorrow my beautiful pet cow, Gemma is going to heaven after a long battle with an infected udder. We tried over and over to make things better for her but her we couldn’t succeed.

I have faced comments like:

Oh well, she’s only a cow

Oh well, most cows don’t live this long

Oh well, she’s lucky she’s not mine, I would have sent her to the knackery long ago

Oh well, another can of dog food

The list goes on, and ‘oh well’ doesn’t cut it.

She’s not just a cow, she’s not dog food, she’s not a ‘thing’ who’s lucky she got to live longer than the average 6 years cows are ‘allowed’ to live because beyond that they provide no value.

She’s my beloved pet who I have loved, cuddled, and nurtured for the past 14 years. She is a living being who has the kindest heart and the sweetest nature. She cries, she relishes in the company of her best friend Jen, and she rushes over to me for cuddles. 

She closes her eyes and makes little sounds as she places her ear near my mouth so I can whisper to her. I love her and I will miss her, and she deserves better than the comments above.

So do many humans who we overlook because we are too busy being ‘professional’ and placing far too much value in our appearances.

No, I’m not saying all these things because I’m feeling over-emotional. I’m saying all these things because they are true and always on my mind. Tonight I just felt like it was time these things were laid on the table to resonate with who they will, and to offend who they will.

We are not moving fast enough in the direction of compassion - for animals, the planet, and humanity. We must stop the fakeness and the toughness and start being and showing who we were born to be.

Great leaders are already plugged into this, and we need more great leaders. Kindness is not weakness, vulnerability is not submissive. 

Every day we have a choice to lead this world to a better place, and every day we have a choice to be authentic. I choose to do both with pride.

“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day you’ll join us, and the world will be as one.” ~ John Lennon

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

The gender imbalance of playing small #IWD2021

By Kerryn Vaughan

9th March 2021

So often in my work I come across people who tell me they are ‘nobody special’, and it doesn’t stop there! They continue with the barrage and negative self-talk by telling me how they’re not good enough and that they have nothing to offer.

This is so common and is a result of thinking small. But let’s be clear here - you can be the tiniest little being and still make a massive difference. You know the saying:

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito” ~ Dalai Lama

Yep, we all know the impact one little mozzie can have!

Unfortunately, there’s a gender imbalance in play here as most of the people who tell me they are too small, are women. Women have a natural tendency to downplay their skills, talents, and abilities.

It’s International Women’s Day (week), and I’m not going to let the opportunity slip to smash this myth. The following case in point is not about a woman who set out to challenge the imbalance, but a woman who’s heart hurt so much that she was prepared to override her fear and belief that she was too small.

Last week I chatted with Jennifer George, a woman with a massive heart who was left feeling heartbroken and helpless after a trip to Nepal where she witnessed malnourished dogs with terrible health issues, some even limping around on exposed bone! 

As well, she witnessed some incredible human rights breaches that are just so horrible I’ll spare the details.

The bottom line is, that Jennifer went back to her hotel room, closed the door and cried for hours, every single day of what was supposed to be an enjoyable trip and a great opportunity to snap some wonderful photos.

She felt defeated and believed she was too small to do anything about what she was witnessing.

But what she saw hurt her heart so badly that she couldn’t stop thinking about it, and over and over she thought “there must be something I can do?”. The anguish of that question gripped her heart and paralysed action. But finally she got so mad that she made her move.

She started asking questions of people until finally she got some answers and some hope. Long story short, she founded the Magic Marble Foundation, and in just a few months has mobilised a school refurbishment in Nepal and has set up an animal rescue centre in Costa Rica.

Every single person on this planet can make a difference. Even a little smile can save somebody’s life.

If you were to take every ‘small’ gesture or action and compound them, it wouldn’t be long at all before you made a big impact. 

It’s about the tiny steps and tiny actions we take each and every day that make a difference, and there is absolutely no evidence that women can make less impact. Let’s go girls!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

The bridge to your magnificent future

By Kerryn Vaughan

2nd March 2021

Seven years ago I wrote the book ‘Magnificent Kids!’ which featured 23 superheroes who had the courage and belief that they could change the world, and indeed they did. All of these superheroes started projects before the age of 18, some as young as 7!

They truly believed that if they saw a solution, then there must be a way of bringing that to life. They still carried that childhood idealism that they could play out the same type of heroism as the superheroes they were watching on TV.

As young as they were, they inspired me to believe and then to act.

One thing led to another, and a year later I founded One Planet Classrooms, a Not For Profit that supports schools and communities in Uganda. I believed I could build a bridge to help kids in Australia Skype from their classroom to kids in Africa.

Within a couple of weeks, 40 plus African schools were registered to be a part of this program. But the truth is, I failed. I saw the possibility in this great opportunity and nothing was stopping me. What should have stopped me were three things:

• The difficulty in getting laptops into Uganda

• The fact that the kids in Africa were in bed when the kids in Australia were in school

• The issue of 95% of Uganda not even having access to power (I sent laptops without thinking about this)

But what happened in that realisation and failing, was that I saw the opportunity to create an even better future. I learned that girls were the ones fetching water. Some as young as 3, and many were being sexually assaulted along the path to fetch water. I also learned that kids were dying from drinking filthy water from stagnant ponds.

My solution was to pivot and start enabling clean water solutions like tanks and wells. Many other amazing projects have come to fruition through One Planet Classrooms, but the take away is this:

When we build bridges, magic happens.

Over the many years of blessing this life with our presence, we have become enslaved to the habit of building walls instead of bridges. More quickly believing we can’t, than believing we can.

The walls keep us in the past and prevent us from taking courageous steps over that bridge toward designing the future we would like to see. They keep us safe because there’s a level of comfort within those walls. We may not like what’s happening in there, but we are comfortable nonetheless. We have formed an unholy alliance with the demons that keep us playing small.

Humans are motivated by the avoidance of pain, or the attainment of gain (reward). Unless we’re talking about shoving a burger in our mouths, or some other form of instant gratification, regardless of the pain we know it may cause long term, we are way more often motivated by avoiding pain. 

Often this is because when we think about changing anything in our lives, we feel an instant discomfort, so we choose to avoid it. And when we think about making changes in our lives, there is a massive unknown. We’d all like to have a life that we imagine we could have, but because it’s not tangible, we revert back to the comfort of staying where we are.

So we build walls to prevent us crossing the bridge and moving forward. But walls also keep the sunshine out.

What if we could in fact design our future, and with some persistence we could actually make it happen?

Sound enticing, or at least intriguing?

Our life doesn’t have to be just one of settling, or of being enslaved by fear, or playing small. We have the capacity and self determination at our finger tips to literally design our future.

Many people have done it, many are doing it, and many will do it in the future. Will you join the 1 in 10 who takes action?

Here are 3 things that will help get you there faster:

• Visualise yourself in the future and notice what you are doing, where you are, who’s around you etc

• Write it down in detail and draw it (yes with coloured pencils)

• Take action! Determine the very first step, no matter how small, and do it.

Think, do, or feel something in line with this vision every single day.

A bridge joins two worlds - where I am now and where I want to be. Dare to cross that bridge!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Is being nice the same as being kind?

By Kerryn Vaughan

23rd Feb 2021

Do you ever have a conversation with somebody and walk away thinking “she’s nice”?

I know I’m as guilty as the next person for doing this. Especially when you first meet somebody and they do and say all the right things and make you feel good. Essentially they fluff you up and your ego gets a bloody good stroke! Who doesn’t want to feel that lightness and joy, if only for a fleeting moment? It feels great and at the end of the day, that wonderful feeling is what we’re all chasing.

But then a day or two later you start to think about the little things that person said and wonder if they were being patronising. And then all the other stuff kicks in. What if they don’t like me and they were just pretending to? What if they were just agreeing with me, but didn’t really agree under the surface?

Ultimately, this leaves us wondering. Sometimes down track they even let us down with a very solid thump. 

Now, before we all start doubting every person we ever cross paths with, I’m not saying this is true of everybody. I know from most of my experiences it isn’t.

The truth is, and I’m ashamed to admit it, that I’ve done this to others and no doubt so have you. So, before we start pointing fingers, let’s all drop the perfection act and start to consider how we interact with others and how they interact with us. Perhaps a better word than interact could be influence.

Last week in my blog about whether the oxygen mask analogy actually works, I said:

“There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice perpetuates people pleasing, and being kind creates healthy boundaries and sustainable actions whereby everybody can enjoy a win.”

Let’s unpack that…

Does being nice perpetuate people pleasing? Yes, I think it does. And I’m not alone in thinking this. In my circle alone, I hear a number of women talking about this and agreeing that when we’re ‘nice’ to somebody it often means we say what they want to hear, and not what we really mean because we don’t want to offend them. 

Yep that sure is nice, and I guess the other person can toddle off none the wiser, feeling quite chuffed with themselves - like I mentioned at the start of this article. 

BUT what about when it extends to a request for you to give something - perhaps your time.

This could include things like going to a party, taking care of their kids, driving them to another town. Or even worse, popping over for a coffee which you already know will end up in a 3hr gossip session that you don’t want to partake in. You already know you’ll be completely drained by the end of the session.

My worst nightmare!

Think about this for a moment. Why would we agree to do something we don’t want to do? To be seen to be nice?

When we say yes to something we don’t want to do, we are essentially saying no to something that does matter to us. Loved ones, health, leisure time, work we need to catch up on because we’re stressed from being behind.

Saying yes to somebody else simply because you are trying to be nice will not help your situation. It will make you feel lousy, resentful, stressed and powerless.

Why would we do this to ourselves?

How often were you told as a child to “be nice”? Even as young children we feel the energy of the undertone that is really saying ‘smile and be tolerant’. Inferring that as long as we use good manners and behave in a way that doesn’t rock the boat, then all will be fine with the world.

It’s really saying “just be fake and smile a lot and learn to keep your voice suppressed”.

Imagine the world if we could change the parenting paradigm to teaching our kids to ‘be kind’.

Being kind means being kind to the other person as well as to yourself, and I believe we should extend the kindness to ourselves first. There’s a good reason why the oxygen mask analogy has stood the test of time.

If we don’t take care of ourselves, we are no good to anybody, and none of us deserve to live a stressful life simply because of the expectations of others.

Let’s be honest here, if the other person was actually being kind, they’d be considerate and not want to put you under pressure. They’d be thoughtful about what matters to you.

Don’t get me wrong here - I don’t think any of us should just start swinging out truth bombs and hurting people all over the place - that’s not nice or kind. I’m just saying we need to treat each other and ourselves with respect, consideration, and create and maintain healthy boundaries.

Having said all that, there are exceptions. Sometimes situations call upon us to extend ourselves, which means being put out and letting something that matters to us slip by the wayside. For example, if somebody is in a crisis, I believe we should help IF we have the physical and mental capacity to do so.

Outside of a crisis, be aware of the patterns of others. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and always anticipate their motivations to be above board. Yes, that expectation has let me down many times over, but I want to believe people are innately good. That feeds my hope.

BUT, if a toxic pattern starts to emerge then it’s time to give them the flick. That’s their crap, not yours, and you have not been given this one precious life to squander on eggshell tip-toeing around somebody else’s inadequacies. 

I know it’s not easy, because they have a gigantic box of manipulation tools and those super-sized power tools do a bloody good job on our vulnerabilities!

Things like:

• If you really cared you would…

• Don’t worry about it, I’ll ask somebody who cares

• I thought you’d want to…

• Don’t worry about me, I’ll work it out somehow

• Please!!!!!!!! I need you!!!!! You’re my bestie!!!!!

• Come on, you’ll love it when you get there

• What are you being so hoity toity about?

• Oh, you’re suddenly too good hey?

• Well I don’t know what I’ll do now if you don’t help me

The list goes on and on and on, and can often include pitching you against somebody else, either by comparison or the threat of you being replaced by another. And we haven’t even started on the threats that panic your FOMO!

Look, that tool box is ingenious and works overtime to pull at every little crack in our armour.

Don’t fall for it! And if you happened to be sucked in once or twice, please learn to say NO.

You are not a puppet and why should you be pulled all over the place just because you want to be seen as nice.

Just be kind, and especially to yourself.

That means creating respectful boundaries for you and others, but it also means being compassionate and extending yourself in genuine times of need. It means caring because you truly do care, and it means caring that the other person reciprocates in a respectful, considerate way.

And if all that doesn’t convince you, because you still doubt whether or not you’re worth it, then do it for the third party being negatively impacted by you being nice. 

For example, if you are pressured into agreeing to a girls weekend away, but by doing so you are saying no to your kids who are struggling with a lack of quality time with you, what are you doing to them and what message are you sending?

Kindness is not a fluffy extra - it’s essential for each of us, for future generations, society, the planet, and humanity. Kindness is our lifeblood. 

Kindness is strength and authenticity.

Let’s all hit reset and share the love. 

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Does the oxygen mask analogy actually work?

By Kerryn Vaughan

17th February 2021

We often hear that age old adage, ‘put your own oxygen mask on before helping others’. It seems logical right? Otherwise you’ll run out of air and won’t be able to help anybody.

For years I ignored this advice and did anything I could to keep the oxygen flowing to everybody else. I even recall a conversation with a friend who was brutally adamant that the act of taking care of yourself first was completely selfish. You can guess what came next - I felt guilty if I put any care into myself.

Lately, I’m seeing things very differently. I am taking care of myself and I’m so thankful I was pushed over the edge by the pandemic.

The way I see it, there are three choices:

1 - Take care of others and ignore yourself

2 - Take care of yourself and ignore others

3 - Take care of yourself and also help others

When you look at it like that, it makes perfect sense, and of course number 3 is the standout. But we often burn out helping others because we’ve been brainwashed to believe it’s selfish to put ourselves first.

I’ve spent many years volunteering, developing programs that empower others, pouring hours into my Not For Profit, One Planet Classrooms, among many other things, without any return for myself. Specifically lets take a moment to look at the One Planet Classrooms scenario.

One Planet Classrooms supports schools and communities in Africa; mostly Uganda. People are truly suffering and often starving. Women are being brutally assaulted and young girls abused. Girls who have barely reached their teenage years are being married off to men in their 30s and 40s, and the abuse continues. They are merely worth a few weeks of alcohol the father can buy with the money the husband-to-be paid for her. So anybody in their right mind would put these people first in an attempt to provide any support possible.

But that’s where I was wrong.

Always putting them first meant that my health took a dive and I was no good to anybody, and everything fell behind. That was last year and I still haven’t caught up. Had I taken care of myself first and paced myself, everything would still be running smoothly.

On this week’s Get Off The Bench podcast I chat with the incredible Hacia Atherton about taking care of yourself. What does Hacia know about this? She was crushed by her horse and spent many months in hospital not knowing if she would ever walk again. So far she has endured 13 surgeries and there are more to come. Hacia fell into a deep depression but finally decided she was worth more and fought back, even completing her CPA from her hospital bed.

Essentially she put herself first and recovered to be the best version of herself. She now helps others by sharing her inspiring story to give hope to others. But not just that. She recently founded ‘Empowering Women in Trades’ to help bring opportunities to women so they can have a great career in a trade. She is now helping so many others simply because she put herself first.

This is not a selfish act, and if done well, it is in fact a selfless act.

There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice perpetuates people pleasing, and being kind creates healthy boundaries and sustainable actions whereby everybody can enjoy a win.

So, does the oxygen mask analogy actually work? It most certainly does!

I have two questions for you…

Are you a 1, 2 or 3?

How much do you believe you are worth it?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.